A vibrator can be a handy tool to have available to you. Whether it’s a fun idea you and a partner have during sex, or a little frustration you need to get out of your system, they can bring you to new and interesting heights of sexual pleasure. But what if you don’t actually have one handy?
Maybe your trusty partner has finally broken after years of regular use. Or perhaps you’ve never owned a vibrator and are just becoming interested in them. You might just want to try before you buy, after all a good vibrator can be an expensive investment. Whatever your reasons, sometimes you find yourself reduced to searching through those drawers full of random objects you don’t use very much, desperately looking for something that can give you the buzz you desire.
Luckily, almost all of us are surrounded by things which can function as a makeshift vibrator in a pinch. In our modern world, so many of our conveniences vibrate for one reason or another. From mobile phones to alarm clocks to fitness trackers. But which should you put near your private parts, and which might cause you more harm than pleasure? We aim to find out.
One of the oldest methods of bringing a woman to orgasm. The pulsing, rhythmic motion of running water can stimulate the vagina in much the same way as a vibrator. Even throughout history, hoses and water were used to treat hysteria in women by effectively allowing them to orgasm. While our understanding has changed over time, the core principle remains the same, and shower heads are still a great tool to get yourself off if there’s nothing else around.
When using a showerhead on the vagina, it’s important to avoid getting water inside the body. While external stimulation is perfectly safe, water getting into the vaginal canal can be unhealthy or even dangerous. At best you may be exposing your body to unfriendly bacteria, while washing away the natural good bacteria at the same time. Rarely though, and in the worst-case scenario, air may make its way into the vagina and cause an air embolism. This is a small bubble inside the bloodstream and if it reaches vital organs it can cause serious damage or even death.
This shouldn’t put you off though. Women have been stimulating their vaginas with water for hundreds of years, and as long as you are safe and gentle, you should have no problems. People sometimes even use showerheads to stimulate the anus, and showers can be a regular part of an anal douching regime. While this will still be somewhat pleasurable, water isn’t the most effective form of vibration for anal stimulation.
Back and Body Massager
A vibrator is basically just a specialised massager. So, if something can massage other parts of your body, why can’t it massage the vagina or anus? The simple answer is that it can! In fact, some of the earliest recognisable vibrators were intended as body massagers including the infamous Hitachi Magic Wand.
In most scenarios, using a body massager on a more erogenous zone should be as simple as just moving the vibration to that part of your body. There are a couple of words of caution though. Body massagers can be very powerful, depending on which part of the body they were intended for. Some might have more mobile parts, which massage through rotations or movements rather than standard vibrations. In most cases you’ll be completely fine but it’s best to start slowly and gently to make sure that you enjoy the feeling and nothing could go wrong before going the whole way with your massager.
When this one was first brought to my attention I cringed a little. Now I wouldn’t recommend using any object with exposed moving parts on your genitals, particularly if those moving parts are sharp as they are with a razor. Ultimately though, if it vibrates, someone has probably used it. So, in the interests of giving you sensible information, you could use an electric razor.
If you decide to go this route, please remove the blades. One simple slip with the blades attached, and you could find your sensitive areas a little more mutilated than you’d ideally like. With the blades removed, simply turn on the device and use the handle end against whichever body part you wish to stimulate. Again, this is not one I’d recommend to anyone, but if you’re going to try it, be very careful.
Probably the most obvious and simple device you’ll find in your home (or out for that matter), the mobile phone has been the favourite of curious teenagers since they became commonplace in the early 2000s. Modern phones tend to have much stronger vibrations, and longer battery life, so they’re probably closer to real vibrators than they ever have been.
A fun part of using a mobile phone as a vibrator is that your partner can get involved too. Much like a remote-controlled vibrator, once your partner knows it’s in place they simply need to call you and watch the fun begin. Depending on how nice they’re feeling, they might keep the vibration going, or leave you begging for that phone to ring again.
One thing to note about playing with a mobile phone is that things can get a little… sticky. Putting your phone into a clear plastic bag before you start can stop it from getting dirty during use, and stop any fluids from getting into the electrical circuits. The sensations a vibrator give off can be quite shocking, but we aren’t going for that kind of shock.
Much like the electric razor, the electric toothbrush can function as a great makeshift vibrator. I’m a little more comfortable with this one, as toothbrushes are typically less sharp than razors. It’s still important to use the handle end, as the brush end contains the moving parts. You might want to remove the brush head, but it shouldn’t make much of a difference either way. Another bonus using a toothbrush is that it should be entirely waterproof, but you’ll still want to make sure that it is entirely dried off and clean before you charge it up again.
Face Cleansing Brushes
These simple devices use small brushes and a vibrating action to cleanse the skin and remove and dirt or makeup. Using these for sexual pleasure is almost identical to using an electric toothbrush. You’ll want to place the handle against your chosen erogenous zone, and keep the bristles facing outwards. Before long you’ll be cleansing your way to a great orgasm.
Now I’m going to say, right from the outset, that I don’t think you should EVER do this one. But there are stories of people doing it and it’s on the internet. If you look hard enough you’re going to find it, so I may as well go over it here.
A Sawzall is a small, handheld saw, with a moving blade. The blade moves backwards and forwards, much like any power saw, and allows you to cut whatever you need to cut. Certain creative individuals have tried attaching carrots, cucumbers or other similarly shaped vegetables to the saw part with tape to make sure it doesn’t slide off. They then use this abomination as a makeshift sex toy.
It’s more like a Frankenstein’s dildo sex machine than an actual vibrator, but some people claim it gets the job done. Now I’m just going to put this out there. This machine is designed to cut things. In some cases, quite strong things like wood or metal. You are putting this inside your body, with only a vegetable to protect you from the blade. If you ask me, trying this is just asking for a nicely diced body part and a quick trip to the emergency room.
For me this sounds like one of the most fun things to try from this list. Speakers provide sound through air vibrations. The more bass your speakers produce, the stronger the vibrations. It is extra effective if your setup includes a subwoofer for the extra oomph.
You simply straddle your speaker or subwoofer, line up your favourite tune, and ride the waves to sexual pleasure. I think it could be quite fun finding the best songs to fit your rhythm. Given that more bass is better, drum and bass is sure to be a hit.
The Washing Machine or Tumble Drier
Possibly the first “homemade vibrator” found in history. It’s alluded to in movies and books alike. The simple act of sitting on top of the washing machine can send you to sexual heights you didn’t know were possible from your white goods.
The spin cycle is our best friend here, as it produces the most intense and energetic vibrations. You can even experiment, trying different load sizes to see if you can change the style of vibration. A favourite for some is loading the machine with only a pair of washable trainers, and letting them rattle around in the machine like your eyeballs will be once you really get going.
If You Enjoy It, Buy a Vibrator
As you can see, there are many, many options for us to explore if we want a little vibration in our lives. Nothing really compares to a properly designed vibrator though. These wonderful devices are specifically made to hit all the right spots, and while household objects can be great, they’ll never really be as good as a proper vibrator. So, if you’ve got the money, make the investment and buy a real one. Your body will thank you when you experience your first incredible vibrator induced orgasm.