So You Want to Be Pegged - How to Bring Up Pegging With Your Partner

So you're interested in pegging.

The idea of your partner donning a strap-on and roughly fucking your ass turns you on like no other.

Maybe you've tried it out before, maybe you've just read about it on the Internet or heard your friends gossiping about how great it is - but either way, you absolutely get off to the feeling of a dildo in your anus, especially when it's controlled by your partner in a dominant role.

If what you're thinking right about now is less "yes, this sounds exactly like me" and more "I have only the vaguest idea of what pegging actually is, and I'm actually not quite sure if it would interest me or not," we recommend checking out our Guide to Pegging article first before coming back here, as that might give you a better idea of whether or not pegging might be for you.

So pegging turns you on. You'd like to try it out with your current partner, but there's just one stumbling block - it's not something you've ever brought up or discussed with her (or him - although we'll primarily be using "she" in this article, pegging can be enjoyed by couples and individuals of any sexual orientation or gender identity) before.

And it's not something that she's ever brought up as an interest of hers, either, so you're not sure quite how to broach the subject.

After all, it's not like pegging is something that tends to come up in casual conversation, right?

And even among sexual acts, it's probably still considered fairly "kinky" or at least - "not vanilla".

Some people might even consider pegging to be shameful because it often centers around an inversion of traditional heterosexual gender roles, with a woman in the dominant, penetrating position making love to her submissive male partner.

But we're here to tell you, first and foremost, above all: don't worry.

In fact, pegging is a wonderful, intimate act which allows couples (and groups!) of all genders and orientations to experiment with unique, new and exciting power dynamics.

It can easily be paired with any number of other kinks and fetishes, including (but not limited to!) dominance, submission, punishment, obedience, master/slave play, and even pet play and male feminization.

Pegging is a sexy, versatile dynamic sexual scenario which has been enjoyed for years by individuals all around the world.

However, that doesn't mean that you should just drop the subject on your partner - asking "hey, babe, wanna peg me?" in the middle of dinner or while spooning in bed probably isn't going to go over all that well.

Pegging, like many other sexual kinks and interests, is something that you should carefully and respectfully discuss with your partner beforehand, especially if neither of you have ever brought it up with the other before.

We get it - that sounds pretty intimidating, doesn't it? But there's no need to get anxious.

It is for that exact reason that we've written this informative article specifically designed to introduce you both to "what to do" and "what not to do" when it comes to bringing up pegging with your partner.

Hopefully, with the help of the strategies included in this guide, the two of you will soon be well on your way to enjoying many breathtaking nights of intense, mutually pleasurable pegging!

​The "Don'ts"

OK, so it might be a bit of a bummer, but we're going to start out with a brief list of strategies and situations which you should AVOID if you plan to bring up pegging with your significant other.

Why include a "don't" section at all, you might ask?

As with any kink discussion or negotiation, your partner's comfort and feelings are just as important to consider as your own.

The examples below are likely to be interpreted by a sexual partner as too forceful, too intimidating, too rude, too uncomfortable, or just in general "too much all at once".

It is our educated opinion that you are much less likely to get the kind of response you want when acting like any of the examples mentioned below.

It's important to make sure that your partner's wants and needs are respected throughout. After all, respect and honest, open communication are far more likely to win you your desired result than bullying, intimidation or ignoring your partner's desires.

Keeping that in mind, when attempting to bring up the topic of pegging with your significant other, you should NEVER:

  • Raise the topic in the middle of sex: Pegging, like any kink, is something which requires prior discussion and the consent of both parties. You should talk to your partner at a time when she is rational, composed and able to process the information that you are telling her - and during intercourse is NOT that time. In bed, emotions are high and she doesn't have the time to think and come to terms with whether or not she's interested.

    She might feel pressured to respond immediately, she might feel that she cannot refuse even if she wants to because you are already mid-sex, or it might ruin the mood entirely and sour your intimate bedroom time for both of you.

  • Present it as something you are "owed" or that she "must" do for you as part of a "tit-for-tat" exchange: Sure, bringing up pegging may segue into asking her if she has any unaddressed kinks or fantasies that she'd want you to try out - after all, it's totally normal to want to do something nice for your partner if they do something nice for you! You care about them, after all!

    However, you shouldn't hold the nice things you do for your partner over her head in exchange for pegging. For example, taking her out for a nice date night, giving her a full-body massage, and then insistently demanding "I did all of this, so now you have to peg me" is definitely NOT the way to go about things.

  • Be pushy with her if she needs a little time: Even if you present pegging to your partner in a calm, rational way, she may ask for some time to think about it and decide if she is up for it or not. She may want to educate herself through porn, erotica or informative literature (see our "Dos" section below for more information about this). She may be interested, but not quite ready yet to jump right into it.

    Or she may genuinely just not be sure yet. If that's the case, put on the brakes, give her time and space, and - most importantly - don't bring it up again until she does. Being pushy, repeatedly asking her about it or insistently trying to re-start the conversation presents a much greater chance of turning her off the idea entirely than making her more interested or more likely to say yes.

  • Surprise her with it in the bedroom: This is, in our opinion, probably the "biggest no-no" of them all when it comes to introducing kinks into yours and your partner's intimate life. Kinks should be negotiated, kinks should be discussed and kinks should NEVER be a surprise.

    There's no quicker way to turn your partner off EVER trying something than to simply attempt to forcibly insert it into your sex life without ever talking about it beforehand. Surprising your partner in bed by wearing a new set of sexy lingerie or trying out a new cologne/perfume?

    Great idea! "Surprising" your partner in bed by showing up wearing a strap-on, or by giving her one and insisting that she puts it on immediately? A terrible idea, and one that is likely to leave your partner scared, scarred or crying - not to mention with absolutely zero interest in ever giving pegging a try.

  • Keep bringing it up or insisting on it once she has said no / Forcing her once she has said no: Okay, wait, we changed our minds. THIS one is the biggest no-no of them all. Sex is, at its core, all about CONSENT. Consent is the number one, without a doubt, no argument, most important part of maintaining a happy, healthy sexual relationship. If your partner says that she is not willing to peg you (or be pegged by you, if that is where your interests lie) then she has not consented to participating in the act.

    That is her decision. While she may change her mind in the future, we're going to be honest with you - it's not particularly likely. And the more you beg or bargain or force her, the more turned off to the whole idea she's going to get. (We should not even have to mention that forcing a partner to participate in a kink after they have declined is the most serious violation of consent possible, and should NEVER be done under ANY circumstances).

    If you feel that your partner's refusal to engage in pegging is a deal breaker that means the two of you are fundamentally incompatible and decide to end the relationship as a result, that's totally fine. If you see your partner's refusal as "unfair" and keep begging and pleading and bringing it up every day, that's NOT fine, and will probably lead to the relationship quickly breaking down anyway.

Alright, we get it, that was a pretty depressing section.

That probably seemed like a lot of things that you shouldn't do, and our descriptions of her potential reaction were pretty dire.

But don't worry! Bringing up pegging with your partner doesn't have to be scary - in fact, if done right, it can be a fun, productive and even erotic experience which will ultimately enhance your bedroom encounters significantly.

So enough with all the bad, depressing stuff - it's time to move on to how to ask her the RIGHT way!

​The "Dos"

Here is a list of things which you SHOULD do when bringing up the topic of pegging with your partner.

These actions and decisions will show her that you respect her, that her opinion and consent are important to you, that you prioritize her wants and needs both in and out of the bedroom, and that you are only interested in engaging in this kink if or when she is one hundred percent up for it.

Keep in mind, that even using the strategies below is not a perfect guarantee that your partner will say yes.

It is quite possible that she is not interested in pegging and will not become interested no matter how you approach the topic.

However, we find that being calm and respectful and giving her plenty of time to come to understand your interest is far more likely to yield a positive response than being pushy, begging too much or trying to spring it on her as a "surprise".

When attempting to bring up pegging with your partner, it is a GOOD IDEA TO:

  • Bring it up outside the bedroom: Sitting her down and having a calm, rational discussion is the number one best thing that you can do. We recommend keeping this conversation completely divorced from sex - don't do it just before or just after coitus - and DEFINITELY not during! This makes it clear to your partner that you are respecting her opinion and feelings on the matter, and is more likely to lead to a productive discussion at a time when you are both calm and not distracted with sex on the brain.

  • Choose a good time for both of you: It's also not the smartest idea to have your discussion about pegging on a day when either she or you is stressed, frazzled, or just has a lot on your plate in general.

    Pick a time you're both calm, with no distractions to intrude, and with plenty of time to have a full discussion without needing to cut it short or postpone it. If you have children or another frequent source of distraction such as an intense job or a high-energy pet, it's totally okay to schedule a discussion time beforehand or to take special measures to ensure that you can talk without interruption.

    (For example, get a baby or pet-sitter for the night or have the talk on a weekend when neither of you will be as pressured by work-related commitments).

  • Give her all the time she needs: Some partners may be eager to try pegging the first time you bring it up, and will instantly say yes. Others may need a little time to decide whether or not it is something they would be willing to participate in.

    If your partner asks for time, give it to her. Agree to table the conversation until she is ready to start it again. Be open and available to answer any questions that she may have, but don't otherwise bring up the topic without her prompting.

    It may take a few days, a few weeks or even longer - but we promise, waiting and respecting her time and her needs will make it that much sweeter when it eventually does happen.

  • Provide resources, but also be available to answer her questions: It's highly likely that your partner will not be intimately familiar with the concept of pegging - there's even a possibility that she will never have heard of it before!

    This can lead to her feeling somewhat overwhelmed, as you will basically be asking her to learn something entirely new solely for your sake. You can make this more accessible and less stressful for your significant other by providing resources, especially ones which are educational, well-researched and informative, which discuss the mechanics of pegging - and the benefits which it provides both partners! - in detail.

    Might we recommend our very own Guide to Pegging, found right over here? You can also provide materials of a more erotic variety, such as stories (again, like this example here) or visual pornographic materials. Do be wary when selecting "pegging porn" to show your partner - some of it can be extremely rough and feature scenes of intense "female domination" which may be a little much for your first time engaging with the act.

    Choose your examples carefully! However, don't leave the "research" process entirely on your partner's shoulders - you should be open and available to answer any questions which she might have, including those which you might find highly intimate or even a little embarrassing, such as asking what got you interested in pegging or what specific aspects of the experience turn you on.

  • Be willing to negotiate and discuss details - and even rules: Sure, we get it, taking time to discuss the details of a sexual act before you perform it can seem a bit frustrating, especially if you're someone who is into surprise and spontaneity.

    But kink negotiation is extremely important, especially when you and your partner are trying out something new for the first time. If she has any "hard limits" - things she DOESN'T want to come up during the pegging scene - you should respect and adhere to those at all times.

    Pick out safewords - we recommend one for each of you, so that either of you will be able to call a "stop" to the proceedings at any time. Discuss what sort of aftercare both you and her might need to come down from the intense, carnal "high" which engaging in kink activities sometimes provides and return to a more normal, stable feeling.

    As "unsexy" as it might initially sound, it might help both of you to schedule your first few pegging sessions in advance, so both of you have time to complete any necessary preparations - both physical and mental - and your partner doesn't have to worry about feeling surprised or forced

  • Engage her in the process of preparation: It can be a great bonding experience for a couple preparing to engage in a new kink if they work together in getting ready. Don't just buy a strap-on and harness and have it lying in wait to spring on her as soon as she's accepted - wait until she says she's okay with it, and then do some online shopping together so she's an active participant in the decision of what to buy. (Remember, our extensive catalog of strap-ons and other enticingly erotic toys is always only a click away!)

    Let her pick out "mood-setters" such as her favorite scent of candle or cologne or even her favorite flavor of lube. For an extra sexy touch, let her choose your outfit for the day/evening prior to your pegging session, while she chooses yours!

    Activities such as these will reassure your partner that she is an active participants whose wants and desires are just as important, even if this is a kink she's primarily trying out for your sake.

  • Encourage her to share her desires as well. In our "Don'ts" section of things not to do, we mentioned the importance of avoiding creating a scenario where your partner might feel that she "owes" you a pegging session because you have been treating her, doing nice things for her or fulfilling her kinks or fantasies.

    However, the opposite of that is in fact quite encouraged - use your discussion on pegging as a springboard to encourage (but don't pressure!) your partner to bring up any fetishes or scenarios of her own which she might be interested in trying

    Then, follow the instructions in this section for her kink - educate yourself, ask her any questions you might have, and engage yourself in the preparation and planning process. Ultimately, you'll both get what you want, and your sex life will be that much richer and more varied for this. (Don't forget about the small things, too - thank her after each pegging session, and treat her to sweet, gentle aftercare like a massage or a shared shower!)

Following these instructions and respecting and communicating with your partner at all times is our absolute best piece of advice when it comes to introducing pegging into the bedroom in a healthy, safe manner.

We know it sounds like a lot, but don't be afraid - pegging is not only a super valid kink to have, it's also extremely erotic and even empowering for both (or all!) people involved. Don't let your nerves get in the way of seeking out the pleasure you truly desire!

​​Responses to Common Concerns

We've said it once, we'll say it again - if your partner says that she is not interested in trying pegging, respect the importance of her consent and let that be that.

Don't push, don't force, and DEFINITELY don't beg (begging is only sexy when it's properly used in the bedroom after both of you have agreed to include it as part of your play.)

HOWEVER, what if she doesn't say "no," but instead says "yes, but..." or perhaps "maybe, but..."

What if she's interested in exploring your kink and participating in this pleasurable experience with you, but is expressing reluctance due to some of the unfortunately prevalent ideas - or should we say, misconceptions - when it comes to pegging?

Yes, here comes the bad news...even as sexual freedom and openness gradually increase within our global society, pegging is still a bit of a misunderstood sexual act.

More conservative sexual attitudes still express disgust and even horror to acts such as this which involve playing with and potentially subverting long-held and long-practiced "traditional" gender roles in the bedroom.

There's a distinct possibility, especially if your partner does not have much familiarity with pegging, that she may bring up one of these old, tired, and definitively untrue ideas regarding the act.

But once again, there's no need to worry!

This section of our guide is designed to help you alleviate her potential concerns and reassure her should she subscribe to some of the more unfortunate negative stereotypes about pegging.

We can't guarantee that these suggestions will change your partner's mind altogether, but they will at least potentially lay the foundation for a calm, rational discussion that allows both of you to keep an open mind in regards to the other's thoughts and opinions.

​"But pegging Is gay...."

After the "sexuality" concern, the other most common source of worry regarding pegging which you're likely to encounter is that it's fundamentally "dirty" or "unclean".

Unfortunately, the anus has typically been considered to be one of the dirties areas of the body - after all, you've probably heard the phrase "but that's where poop comes from" at least once in your life.

This stereotype of being "unclean" is sadly applied to pretty much all kinds of anal play, from simple fingering to full penetration to even more "daring" acts such as rimming (anal licking) or using plugs or other toys to stretch or gape the asshole.

If your partner has concerns about the possible cleanliness, health or contamination risks associated with pegging, your best method of combating them is through the presentation and availability of informative, educational resources.

Guides to pegging (such as our very own entry into the genre, found right over here) will almost always include a lengthy section describing the various ways in which a person's anal area can be cleaned and flushed prior to engaging in penetrative activities.

They will use a combination of well-researched language and even images or diagrams to illustrate the various successful methods of cleaning and preparation.

It is very likely that your partner will be reassured by the sheer number of effective methods of asshole-cleansing available.

Of course, you can thoroughly clean the area using water, soap and rags in the shower or bath. You can give your bottom area a rinse using a bidet (an add-on to a home toilet which rinses the bottom with concentrated jets of water - as a bonus, it feels great too!)

If she's extremely worried about potentially encountering the remnants of your latest meal, you can "flush the pipes" even more completely using an oral laxative or anally applied enema (both of which can be purchased over the counter at your local supermarket or pharmacy) several hours before beginning any pegging activities.

As an extra consideration, you can take extra care to monitor your diet in the days prior to your planned pegging session. Avoid foods which are likely to give you diarrhea or increased or smellier bowel movements - stick to healthy options with lots of fiber to keep you regular and leave your lower colon easier to flush out when the big day arrives.

Another way in which you can assuage your partner's concern is by devoting extra time to cleaning up after you have finished your pegging activities.

Volunteer to be the one responsible for thoroughly washing, drying and properly storing your strap-on harness and dildo (read more about proper cleaning techniques in our introduction to strap-ons found here) and take extra care that no lingering smell or dirt remains after you've finished.

Offer to clean both her and yourself, too - a shared shower is a great way to continue the intimate encounter even after you've finished up in the bedroom.

Don't forget to use this as an opportunity to treat her to a little extra pampering - wash her hair with her favorite scented shampoo, give her a massage, or even draw her a hot bath with some of her favorite scents and candles as a "thank you" for such excellent erotic treatment!

When proper preparation is undertaken beforehand and proper cleaning is done afterward, pegging and anal play are not any "dirtier" than other types of sexual scenarios.

As anal play becomes more widely appreciated - especially as it becomes a much more frequent and popular topic in pornography - we can only hope that the associations between pegging and poor hygiene will gradually fade away from the public conscience.

Until then, all we can do is keep ourselves clean, keep ourselves educated, and confidently try new things in the bedroom without constantly worrying about a little bit of leftover stink.

​"But Wearing A Strap-on Feels Weird..."

Luckily, this last common concern is also the most easily addressed and rectified.

When it comes to any strap-on related sexual activity - not just pegging! - we strongly encourage the person who will be wearing the strap-on to get in some practice beforehand.

After all, it can be a bit of a weird feeling, especially if they're brand new to experimenting with toys in the bedroom.

It can take some time to feel comfortable and to be able to move confidently while strapped in without worry about the toy slipping out or falling off during penetration.

You can make things as easy as possible on your partner by choosing a strap-on which is easy to fasten, comfortable to wear and recommended for beginners.

Check out our extensive catalog of strap-on products to see our specific recommendations for new pegging fans, as well as our articles on "best harnesses" and "best dildos for pegging found here and here.

The less time she has to spend fussing around with straps and buckles, the easier it is to get into the mood.

If you're the adventurous type, don't worry - start simple with something straightforward and easy to wear/use, and, once you're both comfortable with it, you can move on to more adventurous models such as the strapless strap-on (learn more here) or the double-headed dildo.

After all, there's no such thing as having too many strap-ons in your collection!

You can also recommend that she try on the strap-on beforehand - either by herself or with you present, depending on her comfort level.

Our suggested preparation activities include walking around your bedroom or house, doing some simple stretches, and mimicking the motions of sex (such as thrusting hips back and forth or bouncing up and down).

Don't move on to the actual act of pegging until she is fully comfortable with the new toy. It might take her a few days or even weeks of practice sessions, but be patient - it'll all be worth it, as a partner who is confident with her strap-on is much more willing and able to deliver an orgasm-inducing pleasure session than one who's still getting used to the feeling of how it all hangs together.

And that's it! Those are all of our top suggestions for bringing up pegging with your partner.

We wish you the best of luck, and hope that our provided resources will help you and whoever the lucky lady or gentleman you've chosen have a thrilling, adventurous bedroom life full of lots and lots of pegging!

For more information about pegging, head on over to our "Guide to Pegging" found here, "best dildos for pegging" here and "best harnesses for pegging" right over here.

These also make excellent resources to show your partner if she wants to learn more about the act of pegging before trying it out.

If there's anything about pegging which you feel like we failed to cover in our articles, feel free to drop us a line with any questions that you or your partner might have - we're always here to answer our customers' queries, both sexual and technical!

Finally, the two of you can enjoy picking out a strap-on - or several! - together by heading over to our catalog of products found on this page.

Happy pegging!

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