Of Horses and Men: Introduction to Animal Dildos

Posted by Andrew Schroeder on

Think of the following scenario. You go to your countryside cousin, right? You pay for those homegrown tomatoes they pack when you leave by pretending to relate to their stories about dry land and no rain. As you’re casually strolling around their ranch, you go past the barn, and boy, is there a surprising sight. A horse walks about with something (and a lot of it) sticking out between its hind legs. Here comes the important question: do you turn your head away, or do you begin humming to “Imagine” by John Lennon? You, you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

What’s to stop you from riding that horse the proper way? Well, actually, basic human decency and your country’s laws should stop you. But there’s a workaround, and it’s penis-shaped.

Realistic Animal Dildos

There’s an old saying: a poor man is the one who lacks not money but imagination. At least it feels like a saying, not sure if it actually is. The point is, if you have a fantasy, you should explore it, so long as you’re not endangering anyone. Of course, we’re not sitting here advocating bestiality or zoophilia. However, there’s nothing wrong with buying a dildo that’s a bit different from a regular human penis. After all, it should feel a little bit wrong — that’s what all fetishes feel like; that’s why they’re fun.

Much as people say marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin, you may think a horse cock dildo may be a gateway drug to getting your internals rammed by a horse. It’s far from true in both cases. Sometimes, people are not even into the whole animal thing — they just want to feel what a different-shaped weewee would feel like. That’s where animal dildos come in. Depending on how much money you’re willing to part with, these toys can be high-quality products that are 100% anatomically correct. They can be made out of silicone, rubber, or you can even order a glass dildo. Nevertheless, whatever you choose, all these materials are body-safe. Consequently, you won’t have to worry about injuring yourself by a vaginal or anal insertion that’s not really meant to happen.

After all, these are just safe dildos that come in a, let’s say, non-canonical shape. Is that really the weirdest sex toy you can come across? Of course not; so with these dildos, you can pleasure yourself, and you also have a perfect way to explain your actions once in front of a mirror.

Types of Animal Dildos

Did you know that ducks had penises? Yeah, apparently, they belong to the 3% of bird population that has a dick. It’s (the penis, that is) explosive, shaped like a corkscrew, has thorns on it. Also, ducks are notorious for raping, necrophilia, and homosexual raping necrophilia. Some marsupials, on the other hand, have two- and four-headed warlords ready to fight extinction in the land down under.

Obviously, it wouldn’t make much sense to use these two above as an inspiration for your dildo that goes into a human hole; the logistics would be your enemy. However, there are plenty of examples that are more fitting (get it?), so there’s plenty of unexplored areas in front of you. Apart from how many inches long, you can also choose how realistic you want them to be; for some, it may be more of a gag, while others want a more relevant experience.

We’ll now go through some of the most popular types.

Dog/Wolf Dildos

Admittedly, our first two picks had to be the obvious ones, and we’re starting with canine dildos. But before we talk about the product, let’s talk about the muse. Interestingly enough, unlike humans, dogs pop their fella in while it’s soft. That’s a bit weird, we hear you say. Well, not to them, especially when they know that a dog’s vagina swells up and seals in order for the male not to gain entry (that’s why they’re called bitches). Doggos put it in soft and start humping away to counter that effect, and the penis gets erect behind closed doors. Then, there’s something called a bulbus glandis in the dick’s base, which swells up and, together with vaginal contraction, makes it impossible for the penis to slip out. That is what you’d call a dog knot.

When buying a dog dildo, you can find one imitating the glandis (called a knot dildo), and it’ll provide you with a different sensation than a regular vibrator. And you don’t have to worry about not being able to take it out because of the knots — you’re not a dog. But if that is a bit too much, you can find one without said knots.

Horse Dildos

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “why not demolish me behind the counter?” Jokes aside, when you’re thinking about animals, sex, and animal sex, horses have to come up early on. The analogies between a horse and penis size are obvious and have been done since the dawn of time, so we don’t need to elaborate on that. We’ll just throw in a quick fact to get you excited. When soft, a horse penis is usually 20 inches long and 1–2 inches wide. When it gets erect, it doubles in size in both length and girth. And now, you can have it in your drawer, hiding under pillowcases.

Have you heard of Greek philosopher Dabasadis? It doesn’t really matter, but nowadays, you can even buy horse dildos with suction cups (we’re not even sorry). The strong suction cup base allows you to place your steed’s prize possession in one place and neigh your night away without worrying it’ll slip off.

Fox Dildos

When it comes to penis size, foxes are more eastern than say, dogs or horses. You can find them in the two most common sizes — six and a half inches, as well as eight and a half inches of length (girth comes in four-point-seven and six inches, respectively). While these may not reach the promised depths of its aforementioned competitors, if you’re not a size queen, this dildo is a perfect starting point, and it’ll lead you toward greater challenges more comfortably. It’s usually made of platinum silicone, which provides some of the best dildo-brought pleasure, and you can buy it in the color of your choosing.

If you follow soccer, you’ll know that the best scorers are not always the loudest, tallest players. Rather, small Messis of the world dominate that sport; real foxes in penalty boxes. Now, you can have a fox in your own box.

Other Animal Dildos

So, what else is out there in the fauna for us? Did you know that some animals have a baculum, i.e., a penis bone? Walruses, for instance, have a baculum that reaches up to two feet. That’s why walrus dildos are extra firm, and they are about twelve inches long, and their width has three sections, expanding from ten up to 15 inches. So obviously, you need to work your way up to the walrus; don’t let it be the first thing you sit on. You can also find a kangaroo dildo, but it’s more of a lipsticky butt plug than what you’d expect from an animal dildo.

And that is not where the fun stops. After all, these dildos are there for exploring various fantasies — why stop at existing animals? Unless you don’t go in line with the rest of the world, you’ve probably watched Game of Thrones. That Daenerys chick sure does have some friends in those flying children, doesn’t she? But she always rides them on their backs — such a waste of potential. Ever since a sex shop Bad Dragon came up with the first of its kind in 2008, dragon dildos have grown more and more popular. Thanks to the fact that dragons (therefore, their penises as well) are imaginary, there’s nobody to say if it’s realistic or not, so the customizability of these dildos is extremely high. And once you’re ready for the final boss, look up Jake the Minotaur.

Using Animal Dildos

Humans have unique fetishes in the animal kingdom, and to some of us, fantasizing about animals is our way of expressing our primal instinct. That doesn’t have to be over the top; you don’t have to put a collar on and bark. It’s just the sensation of something non-human-shaped stimulating you that satisfies humans’ furry desire.

Since you’re reading about animal dildos, it’s a safe bet you’ve had your fair share of regular ones. Nevertheless, we advise you to take caution, like with the regular ones. All of these dildos are made out of body-safe materials. That is why you needn’t worry about the toy breaking inside you. However, you should still start small (kangaroo or fox) and then work your way up. Let your body adjust to whatever you’re doing to it. Furthermore, don’t force it all in at once. Instead, use lube and go slowly, bit by bit, until you feel comfortable with it and the pain eases, leaving room only for pleasure.

As you’ve seen with walrus and knot dildos, these toys’ shaft varies in girth depending on the position, so you have that to look forward to. Basically, with a knot dildo, you’ll feel like a bump along the way, but make sure your body is ready for that bump.

Lastly, animal dildos are not something you can do only out of loneliness. They are a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner, both physically and psychologically. Of course, that’s if your partner’s into it. Consult with them beforehand; you can do a surprise test, but it may backfire.

Cleaning and Storing Animal Dildos

Naturally, you should clean your dildo after each use. Lube, sweat, and other bodily fluids will stick to your toy if you don’t clean it afterward, leaving behind a poor smell and a weird sensation on your skin. You’d not want that inside you. If you don’t have the time or the will to clean it immediately, rest it in warm (not hot) water until you can get it sparkling. Of course, that isn’t entirely necessary, but it’ll make it much easier to clean afterward. When you get to it, you should use warm (again, not hot, because not all dildo materials are OK with high temperatures) water and soap. Clean it thoroughly, and then wipe it dry with a towel. You can use anything from body to dish soaps, so long as they don’t contain any antibacterial add-ons. These can often leave residue on your dildo.

If you’re a bit of a prude, then it wouldn’t be pointless to also clean it before using it, as you’ll get rid of dust and any potential bacteria. This cleaning doesn’t have to be elaborate — just give it a wipe with a moist washcloth.

When it comes to storing dildos, you should wrap them into something (preferably cloth) before putting them aside. This cloth — you can also put it in a cloth bag — will keep the dust (and many bacteria) away. Also, you shouldn’t mix your dildos with other sex toys. Instead, keep them separated in order to avoid different materials having negative effects on each other and ruining your toys. Finally, if storing a dildo is also a privacy concern, you can find plenty of inspiration online when it comes to having a creative, subtle storage box.

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