DDLG Safety and Abuse

Posted by Anna Bergeron on

When exploring the world of DDLG or many other similar roleplaying practises, you put yourself into a vulnerable position. It’s very easy for people to take advantage of this for their own benefit, without thinking about your needs and wellbeing.

While it’s not a happy subject to cover, it’s important that everyone is aware of what can go wrong in DDLG relationships, and when it grows from a healthy exploration into something much more abusive or even dangerous!


The first line of defense against any abuse in any BDSM styled relationship is a contract. This clearly lays out the expectations of everyone involved, as well as anything that may be off the table.

Should someone start doing things that the contract forbids, then it’s very easy to stop the scenario and if your partner disagrees you can refer to the contract to show that they shouldn’t have done it.

Your contract can also be used to set very clear rules for what will happen during the roleplay. Things like punishments can be clearly laid out, so that when they happen nothing can go too far.


By taking on the role of a little, you are often leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position. Some daddy or mommy doms may take advantage of this. Even if they don’t mean to, they may find themselves becoming more and more involved in the roleplay, and start pushing things further and further.

When you’re the one in the relationship, it can be hard to see abuse. It can be easy to convince yourself that you’re reading too much into things, or that you deserve to be treated poorly. You might even be too scared to speak up and tell your partner that what they’re doing is not okay.

A great defense to this is to join one of the many messaging boards that exist for people who enjoy DDLG. If you’re ever worried about your situation, you can talk to these people and they will be able to take an objective view on your relationship. Even if you aren’t completely comfortable talking about your own relationship, you can read the stories of others for guidance.

While talking to others is a great way to spot any abuse in your own relationship, there can be times where this isn’t really going to help.

Some abuse can be much more subtle, and unless you know what to look for, you might not even notice it.

Knowing the ways in which you can be abused helps massively with knowing what to look for, so we spent some time on these message boards to find some of the ways people had been abused in the past.


Even when you’re in a good relationship with a caring partner, it’s still important to make sure all of your roleplay is safe. This is especially true if you enjoy some of the more “hardcore” aspects of DDLG.

Luckily, it’s quite easy to stay safe in a DDLG relationship! Here’s some of our advice:

  • Always establish a safe word, even if you think your relationship is on the tame side.
  • Decide your limits beforehand. If there’s anything you aren’t comfortable with, make it clear from the start.
  • Don’t be afraid to say no!
  • Always check your equipment beforehand. If you plan to use any bondage equipment, whips or sex toys, make sure that they are in good condition. If you use anything electrical, test it before you start.
  • Always disclose any injuries or health problems to your partner. Make sure they know what they shouldn’t do so they don’t accidentally make conditions worse.
  • Test any new toys or equipment on less sensitive areas of the body.
  • Plan out your sessions in advance. Going off script can quickly lead to things that are unsafe happening.
  • Remain sober when engaging in kinkier BDSM play.
  • Discuss your sessions after you finish to identify any issues or mistakes, and make sure they don’t happen again.

Abusive Doms

While our earlier points are more focused on DDLG, there are also telltale signs of abuse that are commonly found with dominant partners. These can be prevalent in all kinds of roleplay relationships, so it’s good to know what to look for.

For example, some daddies will want you to stay at home rather than going out with your friends. In most cases, this is completely fine and reasonable, as he enjoys spending time with you, and wants you to himself. However, if he begins to take your phone away, so he can tell your friends you’re busy, or follows you when you go out, then it’s a sign that they might be too controlling and you should take a step back.

Similarly, dominant partners will often tell their submissives that they’re worthless, or nothing without them. In some relationships this is okay, as it adds to the power dynamic. Sometimes though, the dominant may start to actually believe what they’re saying, and start to treat their partner much worse. Again, this is a sign to put the brakes on.

A final example that can often manifest, is that the dominant partner may end up being too rough or angry with their partner. What starts as a simple part of the role, administering punishments and playing the part of an angry dom, can quickly grow into a scenario where they blow up over almost anything, punishments spiral out of control, and the submissive even becomes fearful of their partner and tiptoes around them to avoid setting them off.

While these are just a few examples, there are many, many more out there. If you’re ever worried about your relationship you should look at what other people have said before, and see if their situation parallels your own.

Abusive Subs

Just as dominant partners can be abusive, so can submissive partners. This can be an even worse situation. Much like normal relationships, it can be harder to come forward and say that something is wrong if you’re in the dominant position.

When trying DDLG or any other kind of fetish though, it’s important that everyone enjoys safe, sane and consensual play. As the dominant partner, it can be incredibly hard to notice you’re being abused, as the submissive will be giving permission for you to do things to them. But if they’re coercing you into treating them in ways that you aren’t comfortable with, then you’re being abused.

Similarly, a relationship may only involve BDSM or DDLG play outside the bedroom, but the submissive partner may be forcefully bringing it into your sex life. This can be done through the way they act or speak, or even just by verbal manipulation. Again, you should be totally comfortable with everything that’s happening, and if you don’t feel like you can say no to them, then you should step back from the relationship and re-evaluate the situation.

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